Dingy Elmo

I like Elmo. I didn't really grow up with him (it was all about Grover and Cookie Monster back in my day), but I think the fuzzy little guy is cute. Does he hog the spotlight a bit too much these days? Maybe. But being a child of the 80s, having interned at Sesame Workshop, not to mention the recent video of Elmo & Ricky Gervais's hilarious Sesame Street outtakes, I have nothing but high, high regard for those masterful muppeteers and that included Elmo's Kevin Clash.

Ya know what's not cute though? The dingy life-sized Elmo that stands on the corner of 45th and Broadway, luring innocent tourist children and their parents into paying for photos with him. Listen to me children, that is NOT the real Elmo. Here are some telltale signs: the bizarre beaded Canal Street purse he is carrying? Elmo doesn't need a purse. And if he did, you best believe it would be some high-end leather messenger from Barney's, maybe Henri Bendel. Elmo is loaded.

Which brings me to my next point, Elmo lives in one of the ritziest neighborhood in all of New York, where even the garbage cans have more spacious accommodations than most East Village studio apartments. He does not need to whore himself out to make a couple of bucks.

And, finally, those digs Elmo's got going on? There's at least 3.5 bathrooms happening in that shit. And a personal groomer... on staff. Elmo would not be caught dead with anything other than pristine, shiny fur.

So take it from me and stop wasting your money on an impostor, folks. You get to keep your hard-earned dollars and I get to stop fighting my way through unnecessary foot traffic on 45th. And we all get to preserve the reputation of an icon. Everybody wins.

Now, just between you and me, that glimpse of red fur you caught popping into Cartier last week...that's the real deal.


Pimp Hat Elmo. Get your X-mas shopping done early this year, that's all I'm saying.