Reason #73 Not To Get Killed Off Of Lost

Oh, boy. I'm not going to pretend I had never seen an ad for one of these movies before. But when confronted with this epic spread today at the 42nd St. A,C,E stop, I nearly did something that goes completely against the rules of subway etiquette: come to a complete standstill.


Now, I could pick apart many things here. The strange and sad conglomeration of actors who have worked in legitimate films and shows and now find themselves plasticized to the nth degree on one of these posters (Emilie de Ravin/Lost; Jerry O'Connell/Stand By Me; Brittany Murphy/Clueless). The photoshopping that has managed to aneroxicize what I can only assume was supposed to be manly glistening pecs. The high-tech fabric that has caused all of the ladies' clothing to be in the process of dripping off.

But you know what, that's just too easy. So, since ostensibly a film poster is supposed to give the consumer a vague idea of what the film is about, I'm going to give you what I imagine to be the gist of each of these masterpieces.

First up:

Northern Lights. The story of a man and a woman trapped in an unheated cottage during a freezing snowstorm. Since Eddie Cibrian didn't think to pack any shirts, their only chance of survival rests with keeping Leann Rimes's magical shoulder covered with her sweater. Things do not bode well...


Midnight Bayou. The story of one mansion, a river, and the most sinister case of backlighting ever put on film. Jerry O'Connell and Lauren Stamile are nothing but pawns in the backlighting's game as evidenced by their looks of profound horror (O'Connell) and resignation (Stamile).


High Noon. Boy Meets Girl. Boy Meets Car. Girl Gets Naked As A Means Of One-Upping Car. But Truly Nothing Can Get In Between the Special Relationship of Ivan Sergei's Hair and That Sexy Car Hood. Somewhere, Gary Cooper Weeps.


Tribute. Brittany Murphy and Jason Lewis live in a house that he built as inspired by his favorite Thomas Kinkade painting. They lay in bed all day. Sometimes, Brittany Murphy reminisces about her 2.5 seconds as an It Girl or uses the word 'sporadically' sporadically. Sometimes, Jason Lewis reminisces about his 2.5 seconds of being a fictional It Boy within the plotline of a popular television show. Sometimes, they both notice the wine stain on the carpet at the exact same time.