The First Cut is the Deepest

I do understand what Bravo was going for with this ad. I really do:



See, traditionally, Top Chef has a knife as part of its logos. And as famous chefs, these contestants are always striving for those elusive 5 stars that signify the highest honor a restaurant could get.

Except that the way that knife-star is shaped, it really looks like it could double as an advertisement for Top Chef Mohel (that's pronounced moyle for us goys).

Each week, 12 contestants will compete at one very special bris to determine who's got the sharpest knife, the cleanest cuts, and the quietest babies. Twists will include having to perform the circumcision blindfolded, with one hand tied behind their backs, and while simultaneously whipping up a delicious pot of matzoh ball soup. Oy vey!

All That Glitters

Sure, I get it. Vampires are sexy. They're creatures of the night. Dark. Brooding. Mysterious. Dangerous. Sparkly, in certain cases.

I'm thinking sexy was what HBO was going for with this:



Except that the way this photograph was shot, composited, photoshopped whatever - it looks like Mr. Vampire is drooling all over the chick from Fly Away Home's clavicle. Bite marks can be sexy. Lolling tongues on the other hand, not so much.

Also, I'm not sure song titles from John [Cougar] Mellencamp's catalogue make for the hottest taglines, either.

And why does that True Blood logo look like it was created with nine different fonts? Could the art director really not experiment with The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog and just pick one? I feel like vampires are nothing if not focused, art director, and the schizo lettering is definitely not giving me that.

On the other hand, something like this...



...actually, never mind. Those facial expressions and that unsubtle muscle-squeezing negate any sort of atmosphere or ambiance the art director was able to create with a fog machine and his bold embrace of the sepia tool. Way to go, Kristen Stewart.

We're Number 2!

Hey, HBO! I have a great, environmentally-friendly proposal for you. Once this poster no longer applies to what you're advertising:



Why not strike a deal with Ex-Lax, change around some copy, and voila!



Al Gore would approve.

Say It With Swim Trunks

You're not going to believe this, but this window display is actually supposed to make me want to buy swim trunks:



Thanks, Quiksilver. I totes want to look like this guy:



Those tie-dyed board shorts really help to focus away from problem areas like stick legs, frosted hair and ambiguous sign language. See, the right arm looks like he's shooting a gun while the left arm looks like he's surrendering. It's a deep study on the alarmingly disaffected youth and their criminal vs. despairing tendencies.

Meanwhile, Mr. Garrett Parks is sporting "The Cashola:"



I think we can all agree that, in contrast, this whole look, from the hand gestures to the friendship bracelet to the neon trunks, is highly cohesive. Way to sell d-bag, Garrett. I hope this one makes the first page in your lookbook. You can tell from the way Mr. Jeremy Flores is looking at you that he agrees with me. Although, how much can you trust a man who is sporting all four Teletubbies colors in one article of clothing, really?

The Color Purple

Tragically, I've been away from Times Square this entire week. If you must know, a twitch has set into into my right eye, probably from the lack of minimal wattage my retinas have become used to. But would it really be fair to deprive you from your fix? I didn't think so. So, it's time to dig into the archives of my camera's memory card.

And...drumroll please...

Ta da!



What? Are you underwhelmed by this poster for HBO's latest "multimedia event?" Look, times are tough. They were trying to save on what must be astoundingly expensive multicolored printing on a poster that's 4x2 miles. And, at this point, the powers-that-be have surely decided that the fiscally responsible thing to do would be to have the company run by the best, freest labor there is. So the job fell to one person to find the color and that person, obviously, was the NYU intern.

I salute you, NYU intern. For selecting the first color that you saw in your NYU-merch-infested backpack, for spelling everything correctly, and for using the word multimedia. You are worth your weight in the free Diet Coke Home Box Office is plying you with.

And thank you, HBO Marketing Team, for taking what is probably an insightful look at an incredibly fascinating disease and advertising it in the least attractive way possible. No, the sheer size and audacious location of your ad doesn't make up for it. But then again, if you want to throw some of those Diet Cokes my way...I may be persuaded to change my mind.

Get a Load of This

In case you haven't heard, the Sci Fi Channel announced a few weeks ago that it was changing its name to this:



The reason given was, and I quote, "we needed to cultivate a distinct point of view with a name that we could own that invites more people in and reflects our broader range of programming."

I don't know about this, SeePhee (seriously, that's how I'm going to pronounce it). First of all, I think you're alienating your core audience - geeks* - who probably will be very upset over this broad encouragement of a gross misspelling, annulling all those hours and hours they spent being insufferable grammar police. I mean, you might as well have just gone all the way and made your motto Imagine Gooder. Not only that, but one of the tenets of geekdom is that you really don't want to "invite more people in." For one thing, this will seriously devalue your overlording smarts and for another, inviting more people in usually means that your chances of getting beaten up have just skyrocketed. It's like you're hitting them right where they thought it was safe, SeePhee, like an only friend who has just sold out their secret treehouse hiding place to the town bullies.

Something else to keep in mind is that you're now alienating a large faction of the Polish community, since Syfy over there means "crap" and, more compellingly, is slang for everyone's favorite venereal disease: syphilis. Programming based around either of those two subjects could definitely be edgy and possibly broader. But then again, doesn't Discovery Channel deal with those in a scientific sense and VH-1 in a more literal sense?

I'm just gonna come out and say it. I think you had a good thing going with Sci Fi. This is like the equivalent of your punk rock phase, where you used Kool-Aid to dye a portion of your hair bright red and then spent all day sidling up to walls so your mom wouldn't see it. And didn't your lunch money get stolen anyway? Of course it did, since it was really just like putting a big magenta target on your head. Why not accept who you are and display it proudly? It's true what they say, you know. Chicks dig confidence. And, okay, just a hint of social skills doesn't hurt.

*I can say all these things because I self-identify.

Strong Enough For a Man...

OMG, you guys! It's The Most Dangerous Game On TV...The P.H. One! Holy crap, they must do perilous stunts involving litmus tests and Secret deodorant formulas. Maybe the whole show takes place in an evil laboratory...wait, it's MTV...an evil high school chemistry class! And during a routine lab exercise, one geeky kid finds out the difference between bases and acids and then uses this vital information to take sweet revenge on the blond cheerleader who has tortured her since 7th grade.

Man, that sounds good. Way better than the story of an MTV graphic designer with serious spacing issues.

Reason #73 Not To Get Killed Off Of Lost

Oh, boy. I'm not going to pretend I had never seen an ad for one of these movies before. But when confronted with this epic spread today at the 42nd St. A,C,E stop, I nearly did something that goes completely against the rules of subway etiquette: come to a complete standstill.


Now, I could pick apart many things here. The strange and sad conglomeration of actors who have worked in legitimate films and shows and now find themselves plasticized to the nth degree on one of these posters (Emilie de Ravin/Lost; Jerry O'Connell/Stand By Me; Brittany Murphy/Clueless). The photoshopping that has managed to aneroxicize what I can only assume was supposed to be manly glistening pecs. The high-tech fabric that has caused all of the ladies' clothing to be in the process of dripping off.

But you know what, that's just too easy. So, since ostensibly a film poster is supposed to give the consumer a vague idea of what the film is about, I'm going to give you what I imagine to be the gist of each of these masterpieces.

First up:

Northern Lights. The story of a man and a woman trapped in an unheated cottage during a freezing snowstorm. Since Eddie Cibrian didn't think to pack any shirts, their only chance of survival rests with keeping Leann Rimes's magical shoulder covered with her sweater. Things do not bode well...


Midnight Bayou. The story of one mansion, a river, and the most sinister case of backlighting ever put on film. Jerry O'Connell and Lauren Stamile are nothing but pawns in the backlighting's game as evidenced by their looks of profound horror (O'Connell) and resignation (Stamile).


High Noon. Boy Meets Girl. Boy Meets Car. Girl Gets Naked As A Means Of One-Upping Car. But Truly Nothing Can Get In Between the Special Relationship of Ivan Sergei's Hair and That Sexy Car Hood. Somewhere, Gary Cooper Weeps.


Tribute. Brittany Murphy and Jason Lewis live in a house that he built as inspired by his favorite Thomas Kinkade painting. They lay in bed all day. Sometimes, Brittany Murphy reminisces about her 2.5 seconds as an It Girl or uses the word 'sporadically' sporadically. Sometimes, Jason Lewis reminisces about his 2.5 seconds of being a fictional It Boy within the plotline of a popular television show. Sometimes, they both notice the wine stain on the carpet at the exact same time.