No One's Gonna Save You From the Beast About to Strike

It's always a good day in Times Square when I have a new costumed phony to mock.

Why hello, TS Hello Kitty!



Now, I have to admit. At first glance, TS Hello Kitty's costume doesn't seem to be as much of a disaster as, say, Spongebob, Mickey & Minnie, or, Batman. Though that could have less to do with the aptitude of the costume-maker and more to do with the fact that this character already looks like it was drawn by a 2-year-old (if I disappear within the next few weeks, please investigate Mariah Carey and her camp.).

I do dig the Birkenstocks with socks though. They say, I 'm a hippie feline with a circulation problem. Or a geriatric Florida dad.

But my favorite part about this picture is, obviously, the man with the puffy vest and rattail who decided to, I kid you not, harass TS Hello Kitty. However, he did so in the politest, most Hello-Kitty-appropriate way possible. By air-pawing at her. The moment you see caught above is Hello Kitty sassily air-pawing back.

Although I prefer to see it as Kitty and Man about to break into what could possibly be the greatest version of Thriller [that does not involve zombies or Thai prisoners] ever.

Dancing with the Stools

I really love when TS gives me the gift of letting this blog go back to its roots.

Case in point:



That is a couple. Ballroom Dancing. In the Times Square subway station.

And that is a stool wearing sexy red lingerie.

Furthermore, the woman seems to be dressed in appropriate tango gear. But the dude looks like he just stepped out of a Jimmy Jazz.

I don't even actually know if the two events (stool and ballroom couple) are related, and I don't particularly see how they could be, unless...
a) that stool is a prop for the Flashdance portion of the program.
b) that stool is reserved for a very special bachelorette who is about to get one classy lapdance. In a subway station.
c) that stool is patiently waiting her turn with Jimmy Jazz. She does a mean samba.
d) somebody put that stool in a corner.

Commitment: The Hot-Button Issue

Here is a subway ad designed to bring awareness to New York's citizens that public service employees cost them less than private contractors.



A noble cause. Except that I'm wondering if this ad was proofread by a public service employee:



'Cause now I'm a little concerned about the quality I'm dealing with when these employees aren't just mere copy editors but, you know, nurses, police officers, firemen.

On the other hand, I suppose long-term commitment to one's taxpapers is pretty important. You wouldn't want to just go around using any old taxpapers willy-nilly, spreading your diseased ink everywhere, now would you? What kind of message is this sending to the children, the future CPAs of America?! What about the sanctity of 1040s?!

BTW, that little gem appeared on the same poster twice. Your taxpayer dollars hard at work...since I'm pretty sure that's what paid for this ad in the first place.

The Evolution of Fashion

On the subway on my way home last night, I saw a kid wearing jeans.



Which in and of itself is not newsworthy. But after a few stops of having his backside in my direct eyeline, I noticed that there was embroidery on one of the back pockets.

It said NYT. And was written in what looked an awful lot like official New York Times font.



Is this what kids these days are wearing? Clothes emblazoned with the logos and abbreviations of respectable periodicals? Should I expect to see New Yorker popped-collar polos and Boston Herald converse soon?

Just to illustrate how far we've come in the world of intellectual fashion, here was the sort of thing that graced clothing when I was around this kid's age:


*

As Annie Potts so wisely said to Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink: I envy you, kid. I really envy you.

*I desperately, desperately, tried to find a picture of that Looney Tunes t-shirt that everyone, and I do mean everyone, owned back then. You know the one I'm talking about: where the entire gang is in a car, sporting bandanas, hoop earrings, and oversized pants. I have no idea how this is possible, but apparently no picture of this image exists anywhere on the internet. It was a goddamn cultural revolution for a good 45 days 15 year ago. And it was double-sided. How is there no photographic evidence?

Anyway, if anyone finds a picture of this t-shirt, they will get a virtual gold star and my lifetime admiration of their search engine prowess.

The Joker

Last week, I caught a show and was in Times Square much later than usual. Do you know who comes out in Times Square at night?



No, there's no need to call child services. It's the Dark Knight himself, people.



Yes, I apologize for the quality of these photos. I had left both my camera and camera phone at home and had to resort to other, lesser means to get these. Therefore, the full effect of Batman's battiness can't be felt.

But I will supplement this picture by saying that he:

a) wore North Face gloves
b) had an armor-plate made entirely out of plastic. Nipples included.
c) made a point of fully extending his cape, bat-style, whenever anyone took a picture with him. (He did only a half-bat in the picture above because some parent decided it was okay to have their child precariously balancing on the shoulder of a caped stranger.)
d) spoke in a loud, clear voice instead of a sultry bedroom whisper with a slight hint of Welsh accent.

Based on the above, I have my suspicions that this is in fact one of those bat-impostors out to ruin the original Batman's reputation! Gotham City, beware.

Butt of the Joke

Let's see. Now if I owned a street cart, I'd probably want to decorate it. And what would I want to decorate it with?

I'm thinking something that would make people hungry for succulent street meat. Or make them yearn for a hot, salty pretzel. Something that just calls out to their stomach like a Shakespearean sonnet. That makes their mouth water. That makes their minds scream, "screw the diet! This level of gluttonous deliciousness is worth it!"



Yup, perfect.

Just a suggestion, but Weight Watchers might want to think about licensing a magnetized life-sized version of this poster and this guy. Who needs to count points when you could have such efficient deterrents of appetite standing guard right outside your very own refrigerator!

Tiled and True

The NYPD has a mini-station set up on the traffic island in Times Square. Perfectly understandable as I think this blog has made evident that policing is highly necessary in these parts.

But the police department isn't content with just serving and protecting the good citizens of Times Square. They would also like to contribute to the beautification of their surroundings with this fine example of mosaic, um, artwork.



I'm not really an art history expert or connoisseur per se, so please take the following as mere guesses on the meaning of this piece.

1) The artist did a bit of word association: Police -> Run. And then just made the second half of that analogy plural.
2) The blue represents the river of humanity which ebbs and flows in Times Square. The brown represents the desert wasteland of those alienating themselves from said river. The green is a great accent color.
3) Might this be a subversive Nostradamus-esque prediction regarding a plague of some sort? Those green blobs sure look like locusts descending on the Hudson to me.
4) The NYPD is a ray of protective light in a world otherwise filled with those scary trees from The Wizard of Oz.
5) The artist was attempting to create a photorealistic depiction of a police officer in action but the peon paid to actually install the tiles was going through his post-modern period, had just returned Pollock to Netflix.