V.I.P. Blogger

Today, I feel great. I feel validated. I feel really, really, ridiculously important.

Why, you might ask? Well, despite what Google Analytics tells me, apparently some highly influential people are reading my blog. I admit, I got a little suspicious when the number of costumed characters proliferated exponentially. And then, when the ridiculousness/comic gold mine of the lounge chairs happened this week. But it took this for me to realize that I'm not just hallucinating; some TS powers-that-be are really paying attention:



If you're confused, read this first.

See? Someone took careful consideration of my questions and decided to mount giant post-it notes to clear things up.

So the solar panels are COMPLETED and the wind tunnels are COMING SOON!

I'm feeling so generous that I don't think I even want to point out how that still doesn't explain what these fancy panels and tunnels will actually do for a sign that remains unlit and completely static. And you know what, I think I'm just not going to.

Happy Friday and God Bless Us Everyone!

No Intel Inside

In a brilliant marketing move, Intel has asked people to text their answer to the question: 'What do you want in the future?' and then posted those apparently unfiltered answers on four ginormous electronic signs in the middle of Times Square.

When your company’s name is derived from the word ‘intelligence,’ I’m not really sure that’s the best idea. Here's why:



To this I respond, in the future, I want spell check on mobile devices. Or people to know how to spell the word 'world' before they're allowed mobile devices. Or better yet, Intel to have put some of the money required to run this:



into a copy editor of some sort who could have at least fixed the spelling mistakes before displaying them in letters 200 feet high.

Moving on:



In case you can't read that one properly, it says: 'In the future I want...Science and Engineering in our cities, not just Lowcostville, USA.'

Well, um, kudos Anonymous for spelling everything right. But what the hell does that mean? Are you trying to say that Science and Engineering are currently only running rampant in poorer communities? And where is this Lowcostville anyway? What are the property taxes like? And, more importantly, has Billy Joel written a song about it yet?



Don't give me that "Average Joe" bull. I know that's you, TS Spidey.



Clearly an Intel employee. Maybe this is the copy editor trying to make up for letting all those spelling mistakes fly.



Cars that fly? "Envirimont?" chipmunklover08? Allllllviiiiin! David Seville, you've just been letting them run amok lately haven't you, as evidenced by this and that atrocious 3-D animated thing you signed off on last year. Just give him a damn hula-hoop already and keep them in school for chrissakes before I call Chipmunk Services on you.

The T-Shirt Code

Oh, Planet Hollywood. Just when I think I may not have material for a new blog post, you ride in on your crazy bombastic self and give me this:



Tourists and laymen alike, please remain calm and orderly when I issue this decree: the Holy Grail of these parts has been found. That's right, it is "The Ultimate New York Souvenir" and it resides within the hallowed walls of our very own Planet Hollywood.

The only problem is that, much like a Dan Brown novel, there are not going to be blatant signs as to which of the fine items in Planet Hollywood is The Ultimate Souvenir. So, to assist you, I shall point out ancient clues that were placed around the city centuries ago by the secret cult, Foresighti. Although these clues have been in plain sight and on New York's most famous landmarks for all these years, no one has had the key to piecing them together...until now.

Are you ready? Good. That'll just be $49.95 for the tour heart-pounding race against time. I hope you brought sneakers. And some sort of heavy sack to trade out with the Ultimate Souvenir so that the walls of Planet Hollywood don't cave in on you. Yeah, your unnecessarily enormous tourist backpack should do just fine.

Ricoh...Suavé

Wow, Ricoh. Times Square's Only 100% Solar and Wind Powered Billboard, huh? That's very admirable. Very forward-thinking of you. Very green if you will.

Except that, uh, this billboard is made of cardboard, has no moving parts, and is not lit up. So by solar-powered, do you mean that I can see it by the light of day? Cause if that's the case, I may have to call shenanigans, sir, since that would mean that many of Times Square's treasures are in fact "solar-powered:" the Scientology-approved shish kabob carts, Kenny G.'s face on those crazy Bertelsmann ads, the 34.6 people that ask me if I like comedy every day. In fact, solar-powered by your definition goes back to before the dawn of time. Get it?! Dawn...

Okay, fine, that was lame. But so is your sign, Ricoh.* So is your sign.

*In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I once had a job where one of my responsibilities was to call in for repairs whenever a certain Ricoh color printer went down. Which happened at least every other day. But looking at this sign, maybe the damn printer was solar-powered and if I had only taken it out for a stroll every morning it wouldn't have given me any problems at all. Huh...

Always Read the Fine Print

When confronted with this:



...the first thing I think is...OMFG. What could it possibly mean?! Now. Serving. Breakfast? Which word is the emphasis on? What is the subject of this sentence? What's a breakfast?

Thankfully, Planet Hollywood is so aware of its audience base that it has included a footnote on this poster. It reads: Visit the Host Stand for Details.

I immediately decided to forgo work yesterday to find out more about this baffling poster. A very, very nice and knowledgeable young lady explained to me that see, some people, when they wake up, they're hungry. And they want a meal (that's the breakfast part) and they want it to be served to them. So they go to a restaurant, like Planet Hollywood, where they sit down and a nice person brings them something called a menu. And then what happens is they have to read the menu. But the open-minded, open-hearted Planet Hollywood knows that not everyone can read, so that's why they also have big, beautiful pictures of all their dishes, too. And then...

Truth be told, I'm not doing this explanation justice. If you're anywhere in the New York area, I highly recommend visiting the Planet Hollywood host stand and asking them for details yourself. Actually, I would treat them like an all-around help desk. Bring them your questions about the city, the Spanish Revolution, Fermat's Last Theorem. I have full faith that anyone manning their host stand deserves to be a part of the world's most profound think tanks. But let's face it, they probably like their chicken caesar salad wrap discount too much to leave.

Today, I plan to bring a map and ask them to pinpoint exactly where Amelia Earhart's plane went down. I'll post an update with the answer soon!

A Little Something for the Orwell Fans

See, the sign above says Times Square 2009, but the graphics are screaming Welcome to 1984.

First of all, that 'confetti' looks like it was imported straight from my 4th grade classroom copy of Print Shop (and what a fine banner border it made). That bizarre electric ball is definitely either from the opening sequence of Weird Science or Out of This World. And that hot pink checkerboard pattern behind the 'Welcome' screen is reminding me of some sort of twisted board game conglomeration of Battleship and Girl Talk, brainstormed by a coked-out Hasbro CEO in order to make a game about blowing up ships palatable to little girls.



The best part though is the catchphrase: "The Ball Drops Here." I'm guessing this is meant to be a clever twist on "The Buck Stops Here"...which was made popular by President Harry Truman. In the 40s. This is rather anachronistic of you, Times Square. I would have gone with the much more thematic "Where's the Ball?" It would have really tied everything together nicely.

In case you can't make it out here to see it in all it's glory, here's a video of the sign.


On second thought, Welcome to 1984 IS a rather clever literary reference to signify Times Square. Well played, TS masterminds. Well played.

What Does It All Mean?

I have been staring at this two-sided sign for the past year and I still haven't figured out what it means:



Clearly, it's an advertisement for Bertelsmann Media Worldwide. And it involves album covers. But what do all these albums have in common? Here's a list of what's up there:

Elvis: 2nd to None (taking up two slots)
Christina Aguilera Stripped
TLC 3D
Millie Millie
Hummer H3
Blu Cantrell Bittersweet
Kenny G. [The Name of This Album is Irrelevant]
Elvis 30 #1 Hits
Bone Crusher Attenchun!
The Chieftains Down the Old Plank Road

At first I thought that maybe they're all hit albums. But then I decided to have more faith in the American public than to believe that an album entitled Attenchun! would make its way to the top of the charts. Generous, I know. Also, it took me four Google pages to even get a correct hit for Millie.

Clearly, it's not that they're all recent albums. Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes has been dead for 7 years. And I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that Kenny G. has retired his sax and that it now hangs reverently in a Lite FM office somewhere.

And then, there's the Hummer H3 ad. I don't get it. Did Bertelsmann need to take out an ad to pay for their ad? Are they proclaiming their individuality by boldly taking a stand against being eco-conscious? Did they go out for an exorbitant lunch and then decide to cut back by holding out on that one small square of ad space?

It boggles my mind, friends. Every day.