Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Street Meat Approved By Tom Cruise

Why, yes. The umbrella above that gyro stand is advertising Dianetics, the book written by Scientology founder and possible greatest practical joker ever, L. Ron Hubbard. This makes me think that this must be the street stand to the stars.

After all, have you ever met a Scientologist who wasn't famous? No. Because, and you read this breaking news here first, your SAG card comes with a Scientology brochure and a point system. 20 movies on your imdb resume and you get the baby alien patch; the embroidery looks an awful lot like that cute little thing that was birthed in Alien. 50+ movies as a bit or character actor (and a couple dozen Emaciated Mints boxes sold) and you've graduated to the No Prozac patch. From now on, you are going to channel any negative or depressed emotions in a much healthier way: by getting your agent to up your paycheck.

Once you've reached anything over $10 million per film, you're beyond patches, my friend. Now you're free to practice free-falling on upholstery, chastising beloved morning talk show hosts on national television, and making some of the biggest box office bombs of all time. And you'll still be everyone's favorite movie star, like, ever*! After all, aliens are on your side and so is your natural non-drug-induced zest for life.

That's also when you'll get the privilege of buying what can only be the Most Amazing Gyro (Lamb & Chicken!) Mankind Has to Offer.

Excuse me, I think I have to go book an audition.

*As per your publicist

No comments:

Post a Comment