Thursday, April 2, 2009

Runaway Bride

Yesterday was Wednesday. It was raining. And yet, I saw a bride running (read: briskly walking, as it is impossible to actually run) through Times Square. She didn't have an umbrella. She didn't have an entourage, though I think the middle-aged frizzy-haired woman running behind her might have been her mother. And, yet, there she was, amongst all the tourists, and Dingy Elmo, and every other Times Square character of dubious stability.

Though this is actually not the first time I've ever seen a bride here (I saw what I will officially christen "The Most Miserable Bride Ever" being forced to step out of a limo and take pictures in front of the big TV last year. I do not have high hopes that marriage is currently going strong.), I cannot think of a logical reason why someone would be in Times Square on their wedding day.

But here are some of my hypotheses:

1) She is going to spend every day this week re-enacting a Julia Roberts movie. Tomorrow I expect to see her on the corner of 43rd and 8th in fishnets and leopard-print thigh-highs giggling maniacally at a necklace box. Perhaps I missed her stint on Tuesday as a 19th century housemaid in love with her bipolar employee.
2) She is the most inconspicuous shoplifter Kleinfeld Bridal has ever had.
3) The WE network has decided to cater their programming towards that large audience sector that loves action-adventure/wedding horror stories. Hence, their new show Project Amazing Bridezilla Race.
4) She has just discovered that the man she was marrying was all wrong and that she's actually been in love with her best friend this whole time who is currently on his way to the airport where he will take a flight to the island known as Never Get Another Chance To Talk To Him Again (which you might recognize from Lost.) Only if she runs fast enough, and only if her mother is hilariously stereotypical enough, will she be able to make it to JFK in time to fix the ruin she has heaped upon herself.
5) She was really concerned that I wouldn't have any material to write about today. Thanks, bride lady!

Since the action was too fast to get a good picture, here is a strikingly accurate rendition of what I saw:

You don't have to tell me...I know I've missed my calling in life.

Update: Not 5 hours after I posted this, I was on my way home and saw a bride AND a groom in Times Square. This time I managed to get a picture, albeit from a crummy angle.

This makes me think that option #3 has a shot at being accurate. Also, that people have the most psychotic notions of what makes for a cherished wedding memory.


  1. I'm glad that Elmo made it into the illustration! It's a lot easier to visualize now.

  2. Absolutely fantastic drawing! You should sell prints.

  3. So far your blog has been nothing less than stupendous.

    One note: the "Unexplained Phenomena" label has been grossly underutilized so far. I mean, c'mon, this is a blog (ostensibly) about Times Square.